Falling on the Journey

When Falling Apart Helps You Keep It Together is the title of a book on grief that a dear friend mentioned to me as we discussed my recent valley experiences. We discussed the benefits of collapsing into what you are feeling.

Recently, I allowed myself to do has invited by the poem, The Invitation, and sit with my pain without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. It felt like a collapse. The weight of recent events in my life led to this descent into the valley. The decision to fall was completely deliberate and with a consciousness. That is to say, it was not analogous to hurling myself off the side of a cliff but instead, allowing myself to free fall.

The former may be born out of desperation and hopelessness while the latter is sourced from a willingness to let go and let God. I also discovered that it requires strength and courage to face your own pain and fears and not shrink back. I had to be strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable and not move to deny it.

For the most part my collapse has been in private. The solitude has not made the experience free of feelings of vulnerability. Just imagine standing completely nude in front of a full-length, 3-D mirror all alone.

Would you have the urge to avert your eyes from the image projected before you?

Would words of criticism come to mind and would that critique cause you to reach for your clothing?

Would you question the value in even engaging in such an activity?

Well, I answered all of those questions affirmatively when my collapse began. And I did it ANYWAY.

Never before have I experienced that kind of strength and courage that enabled me to collapse, to free fall and not know where the bottom was or if it would come at all.

I am still falling.

The bottom has not come yet.

In the midst of the descent I have discovered parts of me that I had long forgotten. For instance, I am now reacquainted with the gambler's spirit in me. That part of me that is willing to take an adventure without knowing where it will lead. That part of me that believes the possibility of winning far outweighs the probability of losing.

The falling apart really is helping me keep it together.