My sister and I were talking recently about how we each stress and worry about things even things we enjoy doing. We realize that when we obsess this way we deprive ourselves of all the good in the experience.
For example, my sister decided she was going to go on vacation this summer. Immediately after making that decision, she began worrying about how she will be able to afford it, how could she find somewhere within her budget and on and on.
Instead of visualizing the many places whe could go or how great it would feel to take time off from work she was stressing, worrying and obsessing. Her daughter pointed this negative behavior out to her and suggested she take a breath and enjoy the process. To begin, my sister could check out vacation spots on the web, cut out pictures of vacation spots from magazines, talk to coworkers about their recent vacations.
This technique of enjoying the process can also be aplied to every day activities as well. My sister has a rental property that she has been getting inquires about. She can choose to get overwhelmed by the many calls and numerous showings she has to do with prospective renters. She also can choose to feel good that she will be ale to offer a family a safe, beautiful, comfortable housing. She can choose to view the rental application process as an opportunity to meet different people which is something that has always brought her joy. She can choose to be grateful that she has many applicants to choose from increasing the chances she will find the right tenant for her property.
In sum, she can enjoy the process. It is not about pretending or stifling your real feelings. It is about really looking at what is before you and see clearly what is authentically.
When you change the way you look at a thing, the thing you look at changes. Every time. Guaranteed.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Hard Conversations
"The hardest conversations are the most important ones." India Arie wrote those words in the liner notes of her album, Testimony: Volume 2 Love and Politics. India's words often connect with me at a perfect intersection of time/space. I read those words a short time after having a very difficult conversation with the someone I love. India's words made me take a hard look at myself and how I show up in my life, especially how I choose to show up in relationships during difficult times. What I discovered during this self-reflection is outlined below.
Hard conversations make you want to run away because you just can't stand to be in the company of the other. In that instant, it is most important to stay.
You do not stay to continue a conflict but you stay maybe to stand up for yourself or perhaps for someone else.
You stay so maybe your fear does not win out.
Stay, in order that the one you love may understand that even when you do not like him, do not agree with him - you still love him.
Stay so that even when you do not feel heard; you can show him you do know how to listen.
Stay so that your past hurts no longer hold you hostage.
These hard conversations may make you feel like your head is going to explode. In that instant, it most important to find your breath.
Breathe so you may remember one of the Four Agreements: Don't Take Anything Personally.
Breathe so you may remember that your buttons are being pushed because you allow the wires to continue to be intact.
Breathe so you may remember that the other is always your mirror reflecting back where you need to grow.
Breathe so you may remember that Spirit resides in the breath. When Spirit is present anger, judgment, impatience dissipates.
The hard conversations are the most important conversations because they offer us an opportunity to remember who we really are. The measure of who you are can be found in these hard conversations. They can be the barometer of how big or small you are in these moments. So how big are YOU?
Hard conversations make you want to run away because you just can't stand to be in the company of the other. In that instant, it is most important to stay.
You do not stay to continue a conflict but you stay maybe to stand up for yourself or perhaps for someone else.
You stay so maybe your fear does not win out.
Stay, in order that the one you love may understand that even when you do not like him, do not agree with him - you still love him.
Stay so that even when you do not feel heard; you can show him you do know how to listen.
Stay so that your past hurts no longer hold you hostage.
These hard conversations may make you feel like your head is going to explode. In that instant, it most important to find your breath.
Breathe so you may remember one of the Four Agreements: Don't Take Anything Personally.
Breathe so you may remember that your buttons are being pushed because you allow the wires to continue to be intact.
Breathe so you may remember that the other is always your mirror reflecting back where you need to grow.
Breathe so you may remember that Spirit resides in the breath. When Spirit is present anger, judgment, impatience dissipates.
The hard conversations are the most important conversations because they offer us an opportunity to remember who we really are. The measure of who you are can be found in these hard conversations. They can be the barometer of how big or small you are in these moments. So how big are YOU?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My Companion on the Journey
Writing is my spiritual companion on this Journey. In my valley experiences and during my mountain top highs, writing is there to sort things out for me. On the page is where I metabolize my life. It is not simply a recording of the Journey. At times, writing gives me the sign post for which way to travel. It is the warning sign for dangers ahead.
Writing rarely allows me to be stagnant. It moves me both figuratively and literally. Through writing, I am able to move pass anger to discover the authentic truth. I may start off complaining about who has done me wrong but writing will not let me stay there. Soon I uncover how I put myself in the position to be victimized.
When I am on top of the world, writing helps me appreciate the beauty of the landscape even more. Through writing I notice the brilliance of the colors on the mountain. Captured in the words on the page is how the bird's song on the mountain sounds harmonized.
I have even found parts of myself on the page that I did not know existed; some parts I wish never existed; and yet still other parts I thought were long lost but I found through my companion, writing. All of my fears are exposed on the page. Writing will not let me hide.
I can not imagine this Journey without writing. It has been there from the beginning. My writing as child was done in a diary with lock and key which is still within my reach at my bedside. As an adult it is done in colorful bound books that fill baskets all around my bedroom.
Writing is the best brand of therapy I know (and the cheapest). It holds my confidence. It is unrelenting when it has to be. Gentle when it needs to be.
Writing rarely allows me to be stagnant. It moves me both figuratively and literally. Through writing, I am able to move pass anger to discover the authentic truth. I may start off complaining about who has done me wrong but writing will not let me stay there. Soon I uncover how I put myself in the position to be victimized.
When I am on top of the world, writing helps me appreciate the beauty of the landscape even more. Through writing I notice the brilliance of the colors on the mountain. Captured in the words on the page is how the bird's song on the mountain sounds harmonized.
I have even found parts of myself on the page that I did not know existed; some parts I wish never existed; and yet still other parts I thought were long lost but I found through my companion, writing. All of my fears are exposed on the page. Writing will not let me hide.
I can not imagine this Journey without writing. It has been there from the beginning. My writing as child was done in a diary with lock and key which is still within my reach at my bedside. As an adult it is done in colorful bound books that fill baskets all around my bedroom.
Writing is the best brand of therapy I know (and the cheapest). It holds my confidence. It is unrelenting when it has to be. Gentle when it needs to be.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
The Legacy You Leave
What signifies a life well-lived? Are awards, certificates and trophies mounted on the wall symbols of a successful life? Are the years spent on a job the indications of the quality of your life? Is the number of mourners at your funeral the litmus test for lifetime achievement?
What yard stick do you use to measure the legacy of a life? In your elder years when you look back on your life, what will cause you to say, “I have achieved great things in my life.”? What will you point to as proof of your success?
What if you raised a child who grew up believing her dreams were achievable because you told that was so? What if you raised a child that had a compassion and commitment to help others because she learned how to love while on your lap?
What if your children turned out to be dedicated parents because they had you as an example? What if your children grew into adults who supported and encouraged each other because you instilled in them the importance of family unity?
Are these indicators of a legacy of love? Is that legacy of love not proof of a life well-lived? What if you had no children? Does that mean you have no legacy of love to leave? What is your measuring stick of a life?
Imagine you are to be honored at a ceremony for your lifetime achievements. Who would you want to attend the festivities? What would you want said about you? Imagine there will be a presentation at this ceremony that is to represent the span of life beginning with your early childhood memories. What would be included in this presentation?
Now don’t just imagine such a ceremony, write down what comes to mind as you visualize it. Make a guests list. Jot down the things that may be said by the attendees. Describe what that presentation of your life would include.
The purpose of this exercise is to reflect and examine not only how you see your journey of life thus far but also to define how you measure success and achievement. By completing this exercise, perhaps you will become more conscious about building a legacy.
What yard stick do you use to measure the legacy of a life? In your elder years when you look back on your life, what will cause you to say, “I have achieved great things in my life.”? What will you point to as proof of your success?
What if you raised a child who grew up believing her dreams were achievable because you told that was so? What if you raised a child that had a compassion and commitment to help others because she learned how to love while on your lap?
What if your children turned out to be dedicated parents because they had you as an example? What if your children grew into adults who supported and encouraged each other because you instilled in them the importance of family unity?
Are these indicators of a legacy of love? Is that legacy of love not proof of a life well-lived? What if you had no children? Does that mean you have no legacy of love to leave? What is your measuring stick of a life?
Imagine you are to be honored at a ceremony for your lifetime achievements. Who would you want to attend the festivities? What would you want said about you? Imagine there will be a presentation at this ceremony that is to represent the span of life beginning with your early childhood memories. What would be included in this presentation?
Now don’t just imagine such a ceremony, write down what comes to mind as you visualize it. Make a guests list. Jot down the things that may be said by the attendees. Describe what that presentation of your life would include.
The purpose of this exercise is to reflect and examine not only how you see your journey of life thus far but also to define how you measure success and achievement. By completing this exercise, perhaps you will become more conscious about building a legacy.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Your Truth
"Say your truth - kindly, but fully and completely. Live your truth - gently, but totally and consistently. Change your truth easily and quickly when your experience brings you new clarity."
---- Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God
In my youth and now in years as a mature woman, it amazes me how many people are unwilling to speak their truth. What lies beneath this unwillingness is usually fear. Fear that you may hurt some one's feelings. Fear that people will not like you anymore. Fear that others may retaliate.
As a young person I had no difficulty speaking my truth. My challenge was saying my truth kindly. It felt right to me to tell my truth even if it meant it would injure another. With maturity, I learned to use my truth less as a sword and more as a shield. The truth shielded me from others because when I found myself in a situation that could cause me harm or harm to another, I easily and quickly spoke that truth. It takes courage to tell the truth whether in minor or major situations.
Minor Situations
Standing in line at the Starbuck's, there were only two people in front of me waiting to be served by the one attendant behind the counter. The man in the front of the line must have had a large order because the attendant was working busily for several minutes. Soon, another employee of Starbuck's came to the far end of the counter and struck up a conversation with the attendant behind the counter.
Clearly this conversation was causing the attendant to work slower and several more minutes went by. I could see on the faces of the two people in front of me that they noticed this delay, as well, but neither said a word. The two gave each other knowing glances but neither said anything to the attendant.
Past experience with similar situations told me that the two in front of me would more likely start complaining to each other rather than to say anything to the attendant. As kindly as I could and after taking a few deep breaths, I asked the two employees if they could please hold off their conversation until after we have been serviced. Obviously surprised by what I requested, they both apologized and ended their discussion. The line moved quickly thereafter.
How many times have you found yourself in a similar situation? Did you speak your truth? Did you instead express your frustration with sighs, gasps or snide comments to others? If you did speak up, were you kind? If you did not speak up at all, why not? What were you afraid of?
Major Situations
Ending a relationship is a major situation in which many people are unwilling to speak their truth. The quote from Conversations with God that I used in the opening is very powerful. The most powerful part, in my opinion, is:
In relationships, some times your truth changes. For instance, you may have once wanted to be in a committed, monogamous relationship but your truth changed one day and you now may want the experience of being single. Without question, this truth is difficult to express to another. However, doesn't speaking your truth give more honor to the love you may have shared with your partner?
How many times have you been in a relationship and your mate behavior begins to change and you are never told why? Perhaps the relationship ended because of this change in behavior?
A friend recently spoke to me about the importance of bringing honorable closure in a relationship. My friend talked about not letting the relationship simply dissipate like water trickling out of a bucket with a small hole in it. Instead, it is important to acknowledge aloud to each other that it is time to end the relationship. An honorable closure enables you to both acknowledge the importance of the experience you had together and then be able to move on with integrity.
How you speak and live your truth is a testimony to who you are on this journey. Would not the journey be more enjoyable if we each had the courage, honor and integrity to have our spoken truth in alignment with the truth we live?
---- Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God
In my youth and now in years as a mature woman, it amazes me how many people are unwilling to speak their truth. What lies beneath this unwillingness is usually fear. Fear that you may hurt some one's feelings. Fear that people will not like you anymore. Fear that others may retaliate.
As a young person I had no difficulty speaking my truth. My challenge was saying my truth kindly. It felt right to me to tell my truth even if it meant it would injure another. With maturity, I learned to use my truth less as a sword and more as a shield. The truth shielded me from others because when I found myself in a situation that could cause me harm or harm to another, I easily and quickly spoke that truth. It takes courage to tell the truth whether in minor or major situations.
Minor Situations
Standing in line at the Starbuck's, there were only two people in front of me waiting to be served by the one attendant behind the counter. The man in the front of the line must have had a large order because the attendant was working busily for several minutes. Soon, another employee of Starbuck's came to the far end of the counter and struck up a conversation with the attendant behind the counter.
Clearly this conversation was causing the attendant to work slower and several more minutes went by. I could see on the faces of the two people in front of me that they noticed this delay, as well, but neither said a word. The two gave each other knowing glances but neither said anything to the attendant.
Past experience with similar situations told me that the two in front of me would more likely start complaining to each other rather than to say anything to the attendant. As kindly as I could and after taking a few deep breaths, I asked the two employees if they could please hold off their conversation until after we have been serviced. Obviously surprised by what I requested, they both apologized and ended their discussion. The line moved quickly thereafter.
How many times have you found yourself in a similar situation? Did you speak your truth? Did you instead express your frustration with sighs, gasps or snide comments to others? If you did speak up, were you kind? If you did not speak up at all, why not? What were you afraid of?
Major Situations
Ending a relationship is a major situation in which many people are unwilling to speak their truth. The quote from Conversations with God that I used in the opening is very powerful. The most powerful part, in my opinion, is:
. . . change your truth easily and quickly when your experience brings you new clarity.
In relationships, some times your truth changes. For instance, you may have once wanted to be in a committed, monogamous relationship but your truth changed one day and you now may want the experience of being single. Without question, this truth is difficult to express to another. However, doesn't speaking your truth give more honor to the love you may have shared with your partner?
How many times have you been in a relationship and your mate behavior begins to change and you are never told why? Perhaps the relationship ended because of this change in behavior?
A friend recently spoke to me about the importance of bringing honorable closure in a relationship. My friend talked about not letting the relationship simply dissipate like water trickling out of a bucket with a small hole in it. Instead, it is important to acknowledge aloud to each other that it is time to end the relationship. An honorable closure enables you to both acknowledge the importance of the experience you had together and then be able to move on with integrity.
How you speak and live your truth is a testimony to who you are on this journey. Would not the journey be more enjoyable if we each had the courage, honor and integrity to have our spoken truth in alignment with the truth we live?
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Staying in the Present Instant
A friend of mine recently told me about a book entitled, The Tao of Daily Life, which spoke eloquently about being in the present instant instead of the present moment as most other spiritual text refer to. Present instant really spoke to me because it captures the feeling I have had for years now that everything happens so swiftly in life. Both the good and the so-called bad is here and gone in an instant.
If I can put my attention on this very instant, I can find joy and peace and even understanding about my entire journey. This instant my home is warm despite the frigid temperature outside. In this instant, I feel loved. In this instant, I feel prosperous as all of my needs and wants are being met. Moreover, I feel that I also am meeting all the needs and wants of my daughter in this instant.
It is only when I project into the future that I feel any unrest. What is the point of worrying about the future? The future may never even materialize as no instant is promised (let alone a day.) It is not my intention to be esoteric about this issue. I am just wanting to capture this internal knowing I have that things are constantly shifting, changing, transforming, fluctuating, metamorphosing and renewing (myself included).
For a moment tonight, I found myself thinking ahead to the future and wondering, "What if?" What if I never remarry? What if my current feeling of contentment wanes?
My response to these questions was two-fold. First, I immediately told myself to focus on this instant. My second response was, "So what!" It really just "ain't that deep." There is no question that I will love and be loved. I really do not doubt that to be true. So what else really matters?
There will be many times in my remaining lifetime (how ever long that may be) that I will love, feel contentment and be loved. And there will likely be many times I feel other than those feelings.
It just is.
If I can put my attention on this very instant, I can find joy and peace and even understanding about my entire journey. This instant my home is warm despite the frigid temperature outside. In this instant, I feel loved. In this instant, I feel prosperous as all of my needs and wants are being met. Moreover, I feel that I also am meeting all the needs and wants of my daughter in this instant.
It is only when I project into the future that I feel any unrest. What is the point of worrying about the future? The future may never even materialize as no instant is promised (let alone a day.) It is not my intention to be esoteric about this issue. I am just wanting to capture this internal knowing I have that things are constantly shifting, changing, transforming, fluctuating, metamorphosing and renewing (myself included).
For a moment tonight, I found myself thinking ahead to the future and wondering, "What if?" What if I never remarry? What if my current feeling of contentment wanes?
My response to these questions was two-fold. First, I immediately told myself to focus on this instant. My second response was, "So what!" It really just "ain't that deep." There is no question that I will love and be loved. I really do not doubt that to be true. So what else really matters?
There will be many times in my remaining lifetime (how ever long that may be) that I will love, feel contentment and be loved. And there will likely be many times I feel other than those feelings.
It just is.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Journey in Relationships
Best-selling author, motivational speaker, Iyanla Vanzant says that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Those coming into your life for a defined reason, I call Pit Stop Buddies. The seasonal folks, I referred to as Mile Marker Mates and those in for the long term are Lifelong Travelers. The purpose in identifying people in your life using these designations is to determine what role these relationships pay in your life journey. Are they there to teach you a specific lesson then move on? Are they there for a span of time? Are they there for a lifetime experience?
Pit Stop Buddies
It may be a chance meeting, divine synchronicity or as the saying goes, “Two ships that pass in the night.” These encounters happen relatively swiftly and while brief, they are intense. You feel some kind of connection to this person. You may connect in a way that makes you remark, “It feels like we have known each other forever.” It is not only in romantic relationship this type of synergy happens. You and the Pit Stop Buddy could be coworkers, neighbors or participants in similar activities. You hit it off right from the start; so much so, you may begin to think it would be hard to imagine your life without that person. Then the relationship ends as quickly as it began.
You may be left wondering what happened and why. The experience may feel like a roller coaster ride: exhilarating, exciting and . . . over in a flash. Although the Pit Stop Buddy entrance and exit are swift, s/he may leave an indelible mark on you. The swift ending may leave you feeling confused, betrayed or angry.
It is important to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Suppressing or denying your feelings can lead to a host of other challenges physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. A good tool to use to sort those feelings out is journaling.
Once you sort those feelings out it is also helpful to do some reflecting and introspection. What did the Pit Stop Buddy bring to your life? What lasting mark did s\he make? Did you learn something new about your self? Did you venture outside of your comfort zone and try something new? You may find it helpful to consider these questions while doing a meditation.
Mile Marker Mates
When you are traveling, there a mile markers along the way that indicate how far you have traveled and how many miles are remaining. For example, the marker may read, “2/12“ which indicates that the road you traveling on is 12 miles long and you have traveled 2 miles thus far. When you get to another road the count begins anew.
As you travel the journey of life, you encounter Mile Marker Mates who are in your life for a span of time. As you travel together, it feels right. It feels good. It is mutually beneficial. Then it ends.
The ending is not abrupt like with the Pit Stop Buddy. The relationship with the Mile Marker is one that runs its course. For example, you may have been close college buddies and once college is over you each go your separate ways to continue the next leg of you journey on different paths.
As much as it may be clear to both of you that it is time to part, it still may bring up difficult emotions. One or both of you may find it hard to accept that your respective journeys are taking you in different directions.
Lifelong Travelers
The Lifelong Traveler is on your journey for 20 years or more. Counted in this group may be your parents, children or siblings. It could also be your spouse, life partner or a childhood friendship that spans into adulthood. These folks have experience the depth and breadth of your journey. They were there for the valley and mountaintop experiences.
Do not be misled by the label however. Lifetime Travelers may at some point no longer be on your path. Of course, it could be the result of a death but it also could be that after two decades or more, the two of you head in different directions.
It is also important not to assume that Lifelong Travelers are better than Pit Stop Buddies or Mile Marker Mates. Conversations with God, the best-selling book by Neale Donald Walsch puts it this way,
When you know whether a person on your journey of life is a Pit Stop Buddy, Mile Marker or Lifetime Traveler, you can better experience Who You Really Are within that relationship. In all relationships, you are there to do inner work, to find your authentic self and live out your life journey on purpose.
Pit Stop Buddies
It may be a chance meeting, divine synchronicity or as the saying goes, “Two ships that pass in the night.” These encounters happen relatively swiftly and while brief, they are intense. You feel some kind of connection to this person. You may connect in a way that makes you remark, “It feels like we have known each other forever.” It is not only in romantic relationship this type of synergy happens. You and the Pit Stop Buddy could be coworkers, neighbors or participants in similar activities. You hit it off right from the start; so much so, you may begin to think it would be hard to imagine your life without that person. Then the relationship ends as quickly as it began.
You may be left wondering what happened and why. The experience may feel like a roller coaster ride: exhilarating, exciting and . . . over in a flash. Although the Pit Stop Buddy entrance and exit are swift, s/he may leave an indelible mark on you. The swift ending may leave you feeling confused, betrayed or angry.
It is important to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Suppressing or denying your feelings can lead to a host of other challenges physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. A good tool to use to sort those feelings out is journaling.
Once you sort those feelings out it is also helpful to do some reflecting and introspection. What did the Pit Stop Buddy bring to your life? What lasting mark did s\he make? Did you learn something new about your self? Did you venture outside of your comfort zone and try something new? You may find it helpful to consider these questions while doing a meditation.
Mile Marker Mates
When you are traveling, there a mile markers along the way that indicate how far you have traveled and how many miles are remaining. For example, the marker may read, “2/12“ which indicates that the road you traveling on is 12 miles long and you have traveled 2 miles thus far. When you get to another road the count begins anew.
As you travel the journey of life, you encounter Mile Marker Mates who are in your life for a span of time. As you travel together, it feels right. It feels good. It is mutually beneficial. Then it ends.
The ending is not abrupt like with the Pit Stop Buddy. The relationship with the Mile Marker is one that runs its course. For example, you may have been close college buddies and once college is over you each go your separate ways to continue the next leg of you journey on different paths.
As much as it may be clear to both of you that it is time to part, it still may bring up difficult emotions. One or both of you may find it hard to accept that your respective journeys are taking you in different directions.
Lifelong Travelers
The Lifelong Traveler is on your journey for 20 years or more. Counted in this group may be your parents, children or siblings. It could also be your spouse, life partner or a childhood friendship that spans into adulthood. These folks have experience the depth and breadth of your journey. They were there for the valley and mountaintop experiences.
Do not be misled by the label however. Lifetime Travelers may at some point no longer be on your path. Of course, it could be the result of a death but it also could be that after two decades or more, the two of you head in different directions.
It is also important not to assume that Lifelong Travelers are better than Pit Stop Buddies or Mile Marker Mates. Conversations with God, the best-selling book by Neale Donald Walsch puts it this way,
“Try not to confuse longevity with a job well done. Remember, your job on the planet is not to see how long you can stay in a relationship. It’s to decide and experience Who You Really Are.”
When you know whether a person on your journey of life is a Pit Stop Buddy, Mile Marker or Lifetime Traveler, you can better experience Who You Really Are within that relationship. In all relationships, you are there to do inner work, to find your authentic self and live out your life journey on purpose.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)