When your journey includes being a parent, you want to be the sign posts for your child's journey. You want to give warnings such as, "Danger up Ahead" and "Caution: Sharp Curves." You want to suggest better paths to take to get to the places of interests with greater ease. You want to provide Roadside Assistance service when your child gets stranded.
I am learning now that there comes a time when you have to allow your child to travel the journey alone. This realization came when I was repeatedly told by my child that she knows the way and has a plan. She clearly understands the directions I have given her. She has heard the warnings and has concluded that I am an alarmist. She is also convinced that the roads are significantly different now than they were when I may have traveled them.
Family, friends and professionals tell me it is time to step aside and allow her to follow the paths she chooses for herself. They tell me it is ok to be nearby in case she does decide to ask for my assistance but until then, I must put away my directions, signposts and travel tips. In the end, everyone is convinced that she will arrive at the places she desires.
I have to say; so far it has been a tough being on the sidelines. Feelings of hopelessness and fear sometimes overwhelm me. All I can do now is pray.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Tell a Story
Today we have endless and instant ways of communicating with each other. We can IM, text, fax, email and call. You can give a report on every moment of your day via blogs and social networking sites. Your message can be sent in a nano second to persons all around the world. Yet are we really connected? Are we really making connections? Are these technologically advanced methods of communicating effective in building relationships, understanding human frailties or solving problems?
I believe we must not lose face-to-face communication. Most importantly, we must get back to telling stories.
In her book, Sisters of the Yam: Black Women & Self Recovery, author bell hooks writes, “In the years before television, folks talked to one another. Conversation and storytelling were important locations for sharing information about the self, for healing.” She continues, “. . . for the telling of our stories enables us to name our pain, our suffering and to seek healing.”
Often as a child, my mother told me a story about being in kindergarten and overhearing a teacher talking about her, “She is really pretty to be so d-a-r-k.” This story not only told of my mother’s early experience with racism, but it was for me, a reminder that my mother was once a vulnerable child. (An obvious fact often overlooked by me especially in my teenaged years.) Hearing this story also made me believe my mother could possibly understand me and my battles in school. After hearing her tale, I then felt I could trust her with my own stories of vulnerability.
Storytelling reconnects us to our past tragedies and triumphs but also points the way to our future. Clyde W. Ford, author of We Can All Get along: 50 Steps You Can Take to Help End Racism, was once asked about how to combat intraracial violence plaguing so many communities. His answer, “Tell them a good story.” Ford understands that when you tell stories of heroes and heroines who overcame tremendous difficulties the listeners begins to think they too may be capable of facing the obstacles in their life. Ford believes that even when faced with the relentless monsters of hunger, poverty, injustice and racism, people can have hope for the future when they hear stories, especial tales of people like them, linked to them through history and heritage.
As a storyteller I have seen first-hand the tremendous transformative power of this art form. You do not have to look far in your own life to see it as well. Think of how storytelling is used in religious circle to inspire the congregation. Think of how political leaders use stories to persuade.
Let us put down our blackberries, PDAs, laptops, for a short wile and tell a story.
I believe we must not lose face-to-face communication. Most importantly, we must get back to telling stories.
In her book, Sisters of the Yam: Black Women & Self Recovery, author bell hooks writes, “In the years before television, folks talked to one another. Conversation and storytelling were important locations for sharing information about the self, for healing.” She continues, “. . . for the telling of our stories enables us to name our pain, our suffering and to seek healing.”
Often as a child, my mother told me a story about being in kindergarten and overhearing a teacher talking about her, “She is really pretty to be so d-a-r-k.” This story not only told of my mother’s early experience with racism, but it was for me, a reminder that my mother was once a vulnerable child. (An obvious fact often overlooked by me especially in my teenaged years.) Hearing this story also made me believe my mother could possibly understand me and my battles in school. After hearing her tale, I then felt I could trust her with my own stories of vulnerability.
Storytelling reconnects us to our past tragedies and triumphs but also points the way to our future. Clyde W. Ford, author of We Can All Get along: 50 Steps You Can Take to Help End Racism, was once asked about how to combat intraracial violence plaguing so many communities. His answer, “Tell them a good story.” Ford understands that when you tell stories of heroes and heroines who overcame tremendous difficulties the listeners begins to think they too may be capable of facing the obstacles in their life. Ford believes that even when faced with the relentless monsters of hunger, poverty, injustice and racism, people can have hope for the future when they hear stories, especial tales of people like them, linked to them through history and heritage.
As a storyteller I have seen first-hand the tremendous transformative power of this art form. You do not have to look far in your own life to see it as well. Think of how storytelling is used in religious circle to inspire the congregation. Think of how political leaders use stories to persuade.
Let us put down our blackberries, PDAs, laptops, for a short wile and tell a story.
New Beginnings
In previous postings I have shared how important journaling is to my journey. Since I was a small, child I have using writing as a way to understand the world around me. Journaling is how I metabolize my life.
Recently, I purchased a new journal. Selecting a new journal is always interesting for me. First, it is often challenging to find a journal I do not already own because after 37 years of journaling I have an extensive collection. Then, I am very particular about the features I want in a journal. It has to be the right size. It has to be lined. It must have a decorative cover. And the list goes on and on.
Finally, I decided on a silver and white journal with 164 ruled pages, stitch bound, with a silk ribbon marker and a picket holder in the back for those loose pieces of paper I jot my thoughts on when my journal is not handy.
When I get my new journal home I am excited. Starting a new journal is literally the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I wonder to myself, "What events, people, circumstances and situations will prompt me to fill the pages?"
Every now and again, I will read the entries of a journal in my collection. Sometimes my own words from my distant past inspire me. When I read some of my past musings it is like reading a self-help book . Other times, I will read about a challenging time in my life and I can scarcely remember the details in the present moment, which makes me think of the adage, "This too shall pass."
In my younger years, I used to feel embarrassed as I read about some heart break I experienced at the hands of some man in my past that now is barely a blip on my life's radar screen. It is that feeling of embarrassment that at one point kept me from even including the names of people in my journal.
Now that I am a woman of a certain age, I rarely admonish myself for my past transgressions. To paraphrase Maya Angelou, " Always have the courage to give love one more chance. And always one more chance.
So I hope this new chapter in my life is filled with captivating stories. I pray the mistakes of my past are not the mistakes of my future. And if I gain some pearls of wisdom along the way, I promise to share it with the readers of my blog.
Promise.
Recently, I purchased a new journal. Selecting a new journal is always interesting for me. First, it is often challenging to find a journal I do not already own because after 37 years of journaling I have an extensive collection. Then, I am very particular about the features I want in a journal. It has to be the right size. It has to be lined. It must have a decorative cover. And the list goes on and on.
Finally, I decided on a silver and white journal with 164 ruled pages, stitch bound, with a silk ribbon marker and a picket holder in the back for those loose pieces of paper I jot my thoughts on when my journal is not handy.
When I get my new journal home I am excited. Starting a new journal is literally the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I wonder to myself, "What events, people, circumstances and situations will prompt me to fill the pages?"
Every now and again, I will read the entries of a journal in my collection. Sometimes my own words from my distant past inspire me. When I read some of my past musings it is like reading a self-help book . Other times, I will read about a challenging time in my life and I can scarcely remember the details in the present moment, which makes me think of the adage, "This too shall pass."
In my younger years, I used to feel embarrassed as I read about some heart break I experienced at the hands of some man in my past that now is barely a blip on my life's radar screen. It is that feeling of embarrassment that at one point kept me from even including the names of people in my journal.
Now that I am a woman of a certain age, I rarely admonish myself for my past transgressions. To paraphrase Maya Angelou, " Always have the courage to give love one more chance. And always one more chance.
So I hope this new chapter in my life is filled with captivating stories. I pray the mistakes of my past are not the mistakes of my future. And if I gain some pearls of wisdom along the way, I promise to share it with the readers of my blog.
Promise.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Enjoying the Journey
My sister and I were talking recently about how we each stress and worry about things even things we enjoy doing. We realize that when we obsess this way we deprive ourselves of all the good in the experience.
For example, my sister decided she was going to go on vacation this summer. Immediately after making that decision, she began worrying about how she will be able to afford it, how could she find somewhere within her budget and on and on.
Instead of visualizing the many places whe could go or how great it would feel to take time off from work she was stressing, worrying and obsessing. Her daughter pointed this negative behavior out to her and suggested she take a breath and enjoy the process. To begin, my sister could check out vacation spots on the web, cut out pictures of vacation spots from magazines, talk to coworkers about their recent vacations.
This technique of enjoying the process can also be aplied to every day activities as well. My sister has a rental property that she has been getting inquires about. She can choose to get overwhelmed by the many calls and numerous showings she has to do with prospective renters. She also can choose to feel good that she will be ale to offer a family a safe, beautiful, comfortable housing. She can choose to view the rental application process as an opportunity to meet different people which is something that has always brought her joy. She can choose to be grateful that she has many applicants to choose from increasing the chances she will find the right tenant for her property.
In sum, she can enjoy the process. It is not about pretending or stifling your real feelings. It is about really looking at what is before you and see clearly what is authentically.
When you change the way you look at a thing, the thing you look at changes. Every time. Guaranteed.
For example, my sister decided she was going to go on vacation this summer. Immediately after making that decision, she began worrying about how she will be able to afford it, how could she find somewhere within her budget and on and on.
Instead of visualizing the many places whe could go or how great it would feel to take time off from work she was stressing, worrying and obsessing. Her daughter pointed this negative behavior out to her and suggested she take a breath and enjoy the process. To begin, my sister could check out vacation spots on the web, cut out pictures of vacation spots from magazines, talk to coworkers about their recent vacations.
This technique of enjoying the process can also be aplied to every day activities as well. My sister has a rental property that she has been getting inquires about. She can choose to get overwhelmed by the many calls and numerous showings she has to do with prospective renters. She also can choose to feel good that she will be ale to offer a family a safe, beautiful, comfortable housing. She can choose to view the rental application process as an opportunity to meet different people which is something that has always brought her joy. She can choose to be grateful that she has many applicants to choose from increasing the chances she will find the right tenant for her property.
In sum, she can enjoy the process. It is not about pretending or stifling your real feelings. It is about really looking at what is before you and see clearly what is authentically.
When you change the way you look at a thing, the thing you look at changes. Every time. Guaranteed.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Hard Conversations
"The hardest conversations are the most important ones." India Arie wrote those words in the liner notes of her album, Testimony: Volume 2 Love and Politics. India's words often connect with me at a perfect intersection of time/space. I read those words a short time after having a very difficult conversation with the someone I love. India's words made me take a hard look at myself and how I show up in my life, especially how I choose to show up in relationships during difficult times. What I discovered during this self-reflection is outlined below.
Hard conversations make you want to run away because you just can't stand to be in the company of the other. In that instant, it is most important to stay.
You do not stay to continue a conflict but you stay maybe to stand up for yourself or perhaps for someone else.
You stay so maybe your fear does not win out.
Stay, in order that the one you love may understand that even when you do not like him, do not agree with him - you still love him.
Stay so that even when you do not feel heard; you can show him you do know how to listen.
Stay so that your past hurts no longer hold you hostage.
These hard conversations may make you feel like your head is going to explode. In that instant, it most important to find your breath.
Breathe so you may remember one of the Four Agreements: Don't Take Anything Personally.
Breathe so you may remember that your buttons are being pushed because you allow the wires to continue to be intact.
Breathe so you may remember that the other is always your mirror reflecting back where you need to grow.
Breathe so you may remember that Spirit resides in the breath. When Spirit is present anger, judgment, impatience dissipates.
The hard conversations are the most important conversations because they offer us an opportunity to remember who we really are. The measure of who you are can be found in these hard conversations. They can be the barometer of how big or small you are in these moments. So how big are YOU?
Hard conversations make you want to run away because you just can't stand to be in the company of the other. In that instant, it is most important to stay.
You do not stay to continue a conflict but you stay maybe to stand up for yourself or perhaps for someone else.
You stay so maybe your fear does not win out.
Stay, in order that the one you love may understand that even when you do not like him, do not agree with him - you still love him.
Stay so that even when you do not feel heard; you can show him you do know how to listen.
Stay so that your past hurts no longer hold you hostage.
These hard conversations may make you feel like your head is going to explode. In that instant, it most important to find your breath.
Breathe so you may remember one of the Four Agreements: Don't Take Anything Personally.
Breathe so you may remember that your buttons are being pushed because you allow the wires to continue to be intact.
Breathe so you may remember that the other is always your mirror reflecting back where you need to grow.
Breathe so you may remember that Spirit resides in the breath. When Spirit is present anger, judgment, impatience dissipates.
The hard conversations are the most important conversations because they offer us an opportunity to remember who we really are. The measure of who you are can be found in these hard conversations. They can be the barometer of how big or small you are in these moments. So how big are YOU?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My Companion on the Journey
Writing is my spiritual companion on this Journey. In my valley experiences and during my mountain top highs, writing is there to sort things out for me. On the page is where I metabolize my life. It is not simply a recording of the Journey. At times, writing gives me the sign post for which way to travel. It is the warning sign for dangers ahead.
Writing rarely allows me to be stagnant. It moves me both figuratively and literally. Through writing, I am able to move pass anger to discover the authentic truth. I may start off complaining about who has done me wrong but writing will not let me stay there. Soon I uncover how I put myself in the position to be victimized.
When I am on top of the world, writing helps me appreciate the beauty of the landscape even more. Through writing I notice the brilliance of the colors on the mountain. Captured in the words on the page is how the bird's song on the mountain sounds harmonized.
I have even found parts of myself on the page that I did not know existed; some parts I wish never existed; and yet still other parts I thought were long lost but I found through my companion, writing. All of my fears are exposed on the page. Writing will not let me hide.
I can not imagine this Journey without writing. It has been there from the beginning. My writing as child was done in a diary with lock and key which is still within my reach at my bedside. As an adult it is done in colorful bound books that fill baskets all around my bedroom.
Writing is the best brand of therapy I know (and the cheapest). It holds my confidence. It is unrelenting when it has to be. Gentle when it needs to be.
Writing rarely allows me to be stagnant. It moves me both figuratively and literally. Through writing, I am able to move pass anger to discover the authentic truth. I may start off complaining about who has done me wrong but writing will not let me stay there. Soon I uncover how I put myself in the position to be victimized.
When I am on top of the world, writing helps me appreciate the beauty of the landscape even more. Through writing I notice the brilliance of the colors on the mountain. Captured in the words on the page is how the bird's song on the mountain sounds harmonized.
I have even found parts of myself on the page that I did not know existed; some parts I wish never existed; and yet still other parts I thought were long lost but I found through my companion, writing. All of my fears are exposed on the page. Writing will not let me hide.
I can not imagine this Journey without writing. It has been there from the beginning. My writing as child was done in a diary with lock and key which is still within my reach at my bedside. As an adult it is done in colorful bound books that fill baskets all around my bedroom.
Writing is the best brand of therapy I know (and the cheapest). It holds my confidence. It is unrelenting when it has to be. Gentle when it needs to be.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
The Legacy You Leave
What signifies a life well-lived? Are awards, certificates and trophies mounted on the wall symbols of a successful life? Are the years spent on a job the indications of the quality of your life? Is the number of mourners at your funeral the litmus test for lifetime achievement?
What yard stick do you use to measure the legacy of a life? In your elder years when you look back on your life, what will cause you to say, “I have achieved great things in my life.”? What will you point to as proof of your success?
What if you raised a child who grew up believing her dreams were achievable because you told that was so? What if you raised a child that had a compassion and commitment to help others because she learned how to love while on your lap?
What if your children turned out to be dedicated parents because they had you as an example? What if your children grew into adults who supported and encouraged each other because you instilled in them the importance of family unity?
Are these indicators of a legacy of love? Is that legacy of love not proof of a life well-lived? What if you had no children? Does that mean you have no legacy of love to leave? What is your measuring stick of a life?
Imagine you are to be honored at a ceremony for your lifetime achievements. Who would you want to attend the festivities? What would you want said about you? Imagine there will be a presentation at this ceremony that is to represent the span of life beginning with your early childhood memories. What would be included in this presentation?
Now don’t just imagine such a ceremony, write down what comes to mind as you visualize it. Make a guests list. Jot down the things that may be said by the attendees. Describe what that presentation of your life would include.
The purpose of this exercise is to reflect and examine not only how you see your journey of life thus far but also to define how you measure success and achievement. By completing this exercise, perhaps you will become more conscious about building a legacy.
What yard stick do you use to measure the legacy of a life? In your elder years when you look back on your life, what will cause you to say, “I have achieved great things in my life.”? What will you point to as proof of your success?
What if you raised a child who grew up believing her dreams were achievable because you told that was so? What if you raised a child that had a compassion and commitment to help others because she learned how to love while on your lap?
What if your children turned out to be dedicated parents because they had you as an example? What if your children grew into adults who supported and encouraged each other because you instilled in them the importance of family unity?
Are these indicators of a legacy of love? Is that legacy of love not proof of a life well-lived? What if you had no children? Does that mean you have no legacy of love to leave? What is your measuring stick of a life?
Imagine you are to be honored at a ceremony for your lifetime achievements. Who would you want to attend the festivities? What would you want said about you? Imagine there will be a presentation at this ceremony that is to represent the span of life beginning with your early childhood memories. What would be included in this presentation?
Now don’t just imagine such a ceremony, write down what comes to mind as you visualize it. Make a guests list. Jot down the things that may be said by the attendees. Describe what that presentation of your life would include.
The purpose of this exercise is to reflect and examine not only how you see your journey of life thus far but also to define how you measure success and achievement. By completing this exercise, perhaps you will become more conscious about building a legacy.
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