Validation

In the 25 years The Oprah Winfrey show has been on the air, Oprah has interviewed over 30,000 people. Oprah remarked on the last episode of her show, she realized that each one of those people wanted the exact same thing: validation. Every single person wanted someone to say, “I hear you. I see you. What you have to say matters to me."

To give that level of validation you have to be fully present with the other person. You have to truly listen and not simply await your chance to talk. As the person is speaking, you must also suspend judgment. If you are making judgments about whether what is being said is right/wrong or good/bad, than it is likely your facial expressions, body language and/or spoken response reflects the same. If the speaker senses this judgment, it is doubtful that he/she believes what being said matters to you.

This level of presence with another human being clearly requires that you have deep compassion for the other. What might the world be like if we could have this level of intimacy with one another? Cannot imagine having compassion with every person; how about those in your inner circle? How might a child feel if each parent offered this level of attention? If spouses and lovers were fully present with each other, how much healthier would are relationship be?

Start with one person and see what happens. You could begin by making the following commitments:

1. I will make direct eye contact while the person is speaking.

2. I will remove all distractions (cell phone, TV, etc.)

3. As the speaker talks, I will reply with sincere, empathetic statements such as “That must make you feel. . . “I can imagine that must be ______ for you.”

Is there any one in your life worthy of this level of attention?

The Courage to Love ( Again)

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time.” ~ Maya Angelou

With each hurt and disappointment, I trust a little less. Yet, I know a closed hand does not lose anything nor does it gain anything. Yeah, there are moments that I know if there is nothing risked, there is nothing gained. But truthfully, I am a coward who is praying for a chance to see the wizard to get courage and a new heart.

On the way to see the wizard, I hope to encounter others who are willing to follow the yellow brick road. We leave behind everything familiar to us in a quest to fulfill our deepest desires. On our journey and through our friendship, we each discover that the thing we seek is within us.

It is a tale as old as time. Nonetheless, I am wishing for a rewrite: the new ending to include the same reward (courage) without the work (self discovery.) How is that for a fairytale happy ending?

Okay, I know I got to do the work; take the journey. On the path to love, I have even been startled by my own temerity. In those moments, I contemplate giving love another chance.

Then I remember the poem, The Invitation, and it implores me to remember the calling of my heart. Here is the stanza of the poem that is the real truth of my heart.

"It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive."

These words beckon me to live authentically, by taking risks with my heart, following my soul's desire and being deeply intimate with myself and others. The risks are great and so are the rewards.
Playing it safe may give me predictable outcomes and less pain, but it also robs my heart of the chance of expressing fully.

A friend recently told me that “safety is an illusion.” She is right. There really is no protection from pain. It can happen at anytime from anywhere. So I choose to take the risks.

I want to know a romantic love that fills me to the brim. I want to believe that exhilaration, excitement and ecstasy can simultaneously take up space in my chambers again. I want to encounter a level of intimacy that exceeds anything I ever imagined or experience before.

I want to believe in happy endings again.

To Climb or Fly on the Journey

You can climb out of the valley stumbling and fumbling forward, with bleeding knuckles, scrapped knees and bruised feet, or you can fly. It really is all a choice. The choice is about what risks you are willing to take.

Climbing can certainly be safer. Depending on how long you have been in the valley, your wings may not seem to be in good condition. Your wings may be bent, bruised or even broken. However, the truth of the matter is, many do not even believe they have wings.

Flying out of the valley is literally a leap of faith. You must leap over your greatest fears, without any safety net. You must catapult yourself above the criticism and naysayers both external and internal, without any assurances that you will be successful.

Climb or fly? The choice is easy, right? Hardly. When given the choice many choose the former. Why? A common reason is that it feels like the secure choice. It is the choice many are most familiar. It is the choice most others will support. It is the choice many have been conditioned to accept by family and community.

On my journey, in some areas I made the choice to fly. Leaving a corporate job to become a professional storyteller would certainly be one of those flying moments. It was not a hard choice, despite being recently divorced, a mother of a toddler and a new homeowner. Everything unfolded in a Divine manner. Since taking flight, I have had no regrets. Certainly, I have had obstacles, disappointments and setback; however, I never looked backed or mourned the yesterdays.

In other areas, I have been far more fearful and cautious. In manners of the heart, I have wallowed in past hurts and disappointments. Much of my time has been spent examining where I have been; instead of where I am going. I cannot count the hours I have spent lamenting about who did what to whom; instead of celebrating the opportunity to now attract what I really wanted.

In a poem I wrote entitled, Sangin’ the Blues, I challenged myself to look at a broken heart from a new perspective. You can check out the poem below. In the meantime, if you have any suggestions on how I can sprout some wings, let me know.

Sangin’ the Blues

When the heart breaks,

It spits wide open.

Then all your dreams

All the things

You’ve been hopin’

Are now possible

And the possibilities

Are limitless.

So the next time

You are broken hearted

Put it to the test.

Look at it

As an opportunity

To do things differently.

Make room

For greater things.

Just see

What Spirit brings.

I affirm

You will find

A higher consciousness

That will bring you

Peace

Joy

And Bliss.

What do you have to lose

If I am wrong,

You can go on back to

Sangin’ the Blues.

My Patterns in Relationships

Do you know your patterns in relationships? We all have them. We have patterns for everything. It is a very basic human trait. In the book, The Slight Edge, Leo Weidner calls these patterns, mental models. He describes them as “the brain’s habit-building process.” Weidner writes, “This amazing built-in process takes everything you experience and stores it, as a part of a specific mental model. Each time you go to do something you have done before, the brain calls up this mental model.”


Take for example a task like driving a car. When you get in a car, your brain immediately searches out it's data banks to find the mental model that can accomplish this task in the most efficient way possible. Same holds true for how we experience other things in life, such as relationships. We do it the way we previously did it; because it is the brain’s way of being efficient.

Even if you change the person you are in relationship with, we often still activate that habit-building process. These habits or patterns are inevitable, unless we bring a conscious awareness to them and take deliberate actions to change them. (Of course, that is if you want to change them.)

My pattern in relationships involves two distinctly different types of men. The first pattern is with the type of man I labeled, Catnip and Kryptonite. The other pattern is with the type I dubbed, Devoted and Detached.

Catnip and Kryptonite Man
He can best be described as woman-magnet. He is attractive, charming and a big talker. In his company, I feel intoxicated, especially when he is lavishing attention on me. A gifted orator, he does not hold back on verbal praise. He also has an amazing intensity to his gaze that can easily weaken me. This man has the ability to have this earth-grounded, female bull (Taurus) floating on ether!

He often has some major money issues; despite the outward appearance, otherwise. Willing to overlook his shortcomings in the financial area, the relationship usually ends because of his infidelity. Inside, I collapse. Outside, I am cool and calculating, as I plot my withdrawal. My exit is usually swift, blinding and hurtful. He never sees the fast, sucker-punch to the jaw coming. By the time he realize it, I am GONE.

Devoted and Detached Man
He possesses a quiet demeanor (especially in unfamiliar environments), average looking, stable, dependable, and financially secure. He usually catches my eye because he is so incredibly decent: a good-guy. Since usually, I am coming out of a relationship with Catnip/Kryptonite, this new kind of man is a breath of fresh air.

He is very predictable to the point of being boring. You can set your watch by him. He does the same thing, the same way and sees no reason to change it. I feel safe with him. What I do not feel is that we “get” each other. He thinks I am too eccentric and I think he is disconnected from his heart.

The relationship with this man usually ends because we feel like strangers to one another, which usually translates for both of us as, “I must not truly love you.” The end is very hospitable: polite even.

My patterns are clear. My mental model in my journey in relationships is much like driving: I have taken the same road time and time again. When there is an accident on that familiar road (Catnip/Kryptonite), I take a quickest detour (Devoted/Detached) that I know.

It is time to take a new road to my destination. So I wonder if there is a THIRD type of man I could attract that would render a more favorable result. Someone who feeds my heart’s need for excitement AND my mind’s need for security. This new man is someone who I can feel loved by and safe with.

Oh, what shall I call him?

Making Decisions

“When you make a decision have your mind made up.”


A friend quoting his mentor shared this pearl of wisdom. This message in this statement is to hold firm to your conviction and be certain that your conviction is indeed your truth. It is not about rigidity or inflexibility but rather about integrity and impeccable speech.

Often folks are careless with their speech and arrive at a decision through uncontrolled emotions that lead to making not too well-thought out declarations. When the consequences of that decision begins to unfold, the speaker begins to back off that declaration or when others offer their opposing opinions about the decision, the speaker begins to waiver.

Recently, a friend asked me questions about my decision to end some relationships. She asked me:

•Did you have regrets for moving on and letting friends go?

•Have your friends reached out to you?

•Did you make new friends?

•Was it worth it?

To the first question I would say, “No.” It really takes me a significant about time and prayer to end a relationship, especially a long-term relationship. Consequently, once I arrived at that the decision there are no regrets. To the next question, I would have to say that I did not leave much room to reopen the door, once it was closed. It is not that there is no chance for reconciliation later down the path. Once I see that the current conditions are not conducive for the relationship to continue, I end it. Normally, I do not outline what conditions have to change because then I feel like I am getting into the “you-must-change” mode, which rarely serves anyone. I do not believe you can change others or should ask others to change. You can only change you and the way you respond to others.

Did I make new friends? My new flock is evolving. I am thankful that in the evolution, I am enjoying my own company. Finally, to the last question: “Was it worth it?” I would say, “Yes.”

At the root of this decision was my desire to take good care of myself, despite the difficulties that come with ending a relationship. In the end, when I make a decision, I pray that it is for my highest good. This journey called, life, is an opportunity for me to create higher and higher versions of myself. I pray daily that this intention is the basis for all my decisions.

Changing My Flock

I heard it said that in 15 seconds you can tell how successful a person will be by asking them two questions:

• What books do you read?
• What people do you spend the most time with?

My replies to these questions were very revealing to me. As for the first question, my book shelves are lined with personal development books that have helped me immensely, in every area of my life. As for the second question, I always thought myself to be a good judge of character and considered my closest friends to be decent, kind people, with strong spiritual foundations. Upon further inspection, I discovered that my closest circle of friends were not on a similar path as I.

 

Here’s what I mean. When I listed my goals and dreams on one side of the paper and listed my friends on the other, there was no connection. No one in my flock of friends had accomplished the things I wanted for myself nor were they on a path headed in that direction. Now, it is not necessary that everyone in your circle have the same aspirations; however, there certainly should be someone in your flock who can provide insight, advice or information on how to get where you want to go.

 

Being on purpose, serving others and building an empire by combining those two aspirations, has been my path for nearly two decades. There must be someone in my flock that is flying ahead of me who can say, “This way.” Or someone flying next to me in the pack who can say, “We can do this.”

 

This epiphany led me to end some relationships. Iyanla Vanzant once said, “People come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime.” I ended those relationships that were clearly seasonal. Relationships, in which, what we shared together did not measure up against the barometer of what we could accomplish together. I ended relationships, in which, my instincts told me for some time, that our paths were not in alignment, despite the affections we shared between us.

 

Recently, I read an excerpt from a book called, The Power of Story: Change your Destiny in Business and in Life. The premise of the book is to examine your life, as if it were a story that you tell to yourself. Upon examination of that story, you may decide to make changes. Upon examination of my story, I decided to make changes in the supporting characters to ensure that my story would unfold according to my vision and purpose.

 

What is your story? Do the characters in your life support the vision and purpose you have for your life? Are there changes you need to make to the characters or setting? What books do you read? What people do you spend your time with?

 

Out of the Valley

"I've had so many rainbows in my clouds." ~Maya Angelou

My last post was nearly a year ago. In that post, (and in the many of those immediately preceding it), I wrote a great deal about a valley experience. It thrills me to report that I am out of the valley. It is equally thrilling to share that I am so grateful for all that happened down in the valley.

What brought me to the valley was a near-fatal car accident, which was soon followed by an abrupt ending to a love affair. What kept me in the valley was my deepest desire to learn all that the valley had to teach me, so I might rise from it better, wiser, stronger.

So here I am. Without a doubt, I am better, wiser and stronger. My greatest lesson is that the Creator answers prayers.

One prayer was: "Show me who this man really is." After the prayer was done, I pledged not to turn my head at the parts I did not like; and promised to do what needs to be done, if he turns out to be someone who needs to be eradicated from my life. Within days, all I needed to know was revealed and I ended the relationship.

So here I am on the mountaintop. The scenery is very different. Some of the people who were with me when I descended into the valley are not here now. I also ended a few friendships that clearly hindered my ascent, realizing that to soar higher, my flock had to change.

Making these choices was not easy. Choosing this path was not popular. Taking the steps needed to climb out of the valley was not pretty or graceful. Nonetheless it was necessary.

"Right may not be expected. It may not be profitable. But it will satisfy the soul."

~ Maya Angelou

Parenting on the Journey

When your journey includes being a parent, you want to be the sign posts for your child's journey. You want to give warnings such as, "Danger up Ahead" and "Caution: Sharp Curves." You want to suggest better paths to take to get to the places of interests with greater ease. You want to provide Roadside Assistance service when your child gets stranded.

I am learning now that there comes a time when you have to allow your child to travel the journey alone. This realization came when I was repeatedly told by my child that she knows the way and has a plan. She clearly understands the directions I have given her. She has heard the warnings and has concluded that I am an alarmist. She is also convinced that the roads are significantly different now than they were when I may have traveled them.

Family, friends and professionals tell me it is time to step aside and allow her to follow the paths she chooses for herself. They tell me it is ok to be nearby in case she does decide to ask for my assistance but until then, I must put away my directions, signposts and travel tips. In the end, everyone is convinced that she will arrive at the places she desires.

I have to say; so far it has been a tough being on the sidelines. Feelings of hopelessness and fear sometimes overwhelm me. All I can do now is pray.

Hard Conversations

"The hardest conversations are the most important ones." India Arie wrote those words in the liner notes of her album, Testimony: Volume 2 Love and Politics. India's words often connect with me at a perfect intersection of time/space. I read those words a short time after having a very difficult conversation with the someone I love. India's words made me take a hard look at myself and how I show up in my life, especially how I choose to show up in relationships during difficult times. What I discovered during this self-reflection is outlined below.

Hard conversations make you want to run away because you just can't stand to be in the company of the other. In that instant, it is most important to stay.

You do not stay to continue a conflict but you stay maybe to stand up for yourself or perhaps for someone else.

You stay so maybe your fear does not win out.

Stay, in order that the one you love may understand that even when you do not like him, do not agree with him - you still love him.

Stay so that even when you do not feel heard; you can show him you do know how to listen.

Stay so that your past hurts no longer hold you hostage.

These hard conversations may make you feel like your head is going to explode. In that instant, it most important to find your breath.

Breathe so you may remember one of the Four Agreements: Don't Take Anything Personally.

Breathe so you may remember that your buttons are being pushed because you allow the wires to continue to be intact.

Breathe so you may remember that the other is always your mirror reflecting back where you need to grow.

Breathe so you may remember that Spirit resides in the breath. When Spirit is present anger, judgment, impatience dissipates.

The hard conversations are the most important conversations because they offer us an opportunity to remember who we really are. The measure of who you are can be found in these hard conversations. They can be the barometer of how big or small you are in these moments. So how big are YOU?

Journey in Relationships

Best-selling author, motivational speaker, Iyanla Vanzant says that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Those coming into your life for a defined reason, I call Pit Stop Buddies. The seasonal folks, I referred to as Mile Marker Mates and those in for the long term are Lifelong Travelers. The purpose in identifying people in your life using these designations is to determine what role these relationships pay in your life journey. Are they there to teach you a specific lesson then move on? Are they there for a span of time? Are they there for a lifetime experience?

Pit Stop Buddies
It may be a chance meeting, divine synchronicity or as the saying goes, “Two ships that pass in the night.” These encounters happen relatively swiftly and while brief, they are intense. You feel some kind of connection to this person. You may connect in a way that makes you remark, “It feels like we have known each other forever.” It is not only in romantic relationship this type of synergy happens. You and the Pit Stop Buddy could be coworkers, neighbors or participants in similar activities. You hit it off right from the start; so much so, you may begin to think it would be hard to imagine your life without that person. Then the relationship ends as quickly as it began.

You may be left wondering what happened and why. The experience may feel like a roller coaster ride: exhilarating, exciting and . . . over in a flash. Although the Pit Stop Buddy entrance and exit are swift, s/he may leave an indelible mark on you. The swift ending may leave you feeling confused, betrayed or angry.

It is important to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Suppressing or denying your feelings can lead to a host of other challenges physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. A good tool to use to sort those feelings out is journaling.

Once you sort those feelings out it is also helpful to do some reflecting and introspection. What did the Pit Stop Buddy bring to your life? What lasting mark did s\he make? Did you learn something new about your self? Did you venture outside of your comfort zone and try something new? You may find it helpful to consider these questions while doing a meditation.

Mile Marker Mates
When you are traveling, there a mile markers along the way that indicate how far you have traveled and how many miles are remaining. For example, the marker may read, “2/12“ which indicates that the road you traveling on is 12 miles long and you have traveled 2 miles thus far. When you get to another road the count begins anew.

As you travel the journey of life, you encounter Mile Marker Mates who are in your life for a span of time. As you travel together, it feels right. It feels good. It is mutually beneficial. Then it ends.

The ending is not abrupt like with the Pit Stop Buddy. The relationship with the Mile Marker is one that runs its course. For example, you may have been close college buddies and once college is over you each go your separate ways to continue the next leg of you journey on different paths.

As much as it may be clear to both of you that it is time to part, it still may bring up difficult emotions. One or both of you may find it hard to accept that your respective journeys are taking you in different directions.

Lifelong Travelers
The Lifelong Traveler is on your journey for 20 years or more. Counted in this group may be your parents, children or siblings. It could also be your spouse, life partner or a childhood friendship that spans into adulthood. These folks have experience the depth and breadth of your journey. They were there for the valley and mountaintop experiences.

Do not be misled by the label however. Lifetime Travelers may at some point no longer be on your path. Of course, it could be the result of a death but it also could be that after two decades or more, the two of you head in different directions.

It is also important not to assume that Lifelong Travelers are better than Pit Stop Buddies or Mile Marker Mates. Conversations with God, the best-selling book by Neale Donald Walsch puts it this way,

“Try not to confuse longevity with a job well done. Remember, your job on the planet is not to see how long you can stay in a relationship. It’s to decide and experience Who You Really Are.”

When you know whether a person on your journey of life is a Pit Stop Buddy, Mile Marker or Lifetime Traveler, you can better experience Who You Really Are within that relationship. In all relationships, you are there to do inner work, to find your authentic self and live out your life journey on purpose.