The cloud cover on my heart and spirit is lifting. What's strange is: part of me wants to stay up under those dark clouds. It feels comfortable. Being checked out is getting to be comfortable.
However, there is another part of me that is ready to rise up out of the valley. That part of me knows it is time to start my ascent.
As the clouds clear, it is reasonable to expect my thoughts to still go back to what happened. The details of the storm that led to my descent will certainly still come to mind. Surveying the damage after the storm is normal. For a short time, I will be allowed to go back. Mourning what has been lost is natural. Retrieving what can be salvaged is expected.
Then, it is time to vacate the valley because it is not safe to stay any longer. An Authority comes to tell me to evacuate now. The directive is firm but gentle.
As I begin my ascent, I look back over my shoulder to look at the wreckage. It feels surreal. A sadness sweeps over me. Simultaneously, I feel a firm yet compassionate Presence leading me out of the dark into the sunlight.
Micheal Bernard Beckwith talks about three kinds of darkness:
1) Gestation Darkness: When something is about to be birthed from you.
2) Shedding Darkness: When a part of you that no longer serves you dies off.
3) Blinding Darkness: When you look directly into God's light and the brilliance temporarily takes away your sight.
All three seems to apply to my recent valley experience.
As the clouds lift, I am having trouble adjusting to the light. Still I put one foot in front of the other and move towards the light.
My footsteps may be wobbly. My muscles may have atrophy. Yet, I still go forward into the light.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Falling on the Journey
When Falling Apart Helps You Keep It Together is the title of a book on grief that a dear friend mentioned to me as we discussed my recent valley experiences. We discussed the benefits of collapsing into what you are feeling.
Recently, I allowed myself to do has invited by the poem, The Invitation, and sit with my pain without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. It felt like a collapse. The weight of recent events in my life led to this descent into the valley. The decision to fall was completely deliberate and with a consciousness. That is to say, it was not analogous to hurling myself off the side of a cliff but instead, allowing myself to free fall.
The former may be born out of desperation and hopelessness while the latter is sourced from a willingness to let go and let God. I also discovered that it requires strength and courage to face your own pain and fears and not shrink back. I had to be strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable and not move to deny it.
For the most part my collapse has been in private. The solitude has not made the experience free of feelings of vulnerability. Just imagine standing completely nude in front of a full-length, 3-D mirror all alone.
Would you have the urge to avert your eyes from the image projected before you?
Would words of criticism come to mind and would that critique cause you to reach for your clothing?
Would you question the value in even engaging in such an activity?
Well, I answered all of those questions affirmatively when my collapse began. And I did it ANYWAY.
Never before have I experienced that kind of strength and courage that enabled me to collapse, to free fall and not know where the bottom was or if it would come at all.
I am still falling.
The bottom has not come yet.
In the midst of the descent I have discovered parts of me that I had long forgotten. For instance, I am now reacquainted with the gambler's spirit in me. That part of me that is willing to take an adventure without knowing where it will lead. That part of me that believes the possibility of winning far outweighs the probability of losing.
The falling apart really is helping me keep it together.
Recently, I allowed myself to do has invited by the poem, The Invitation, and sit with my pain without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. It felt like a collapse. The weight of recent events in my life led to this descent into the valley. The decision to fall was completely deliberate and with a consciousness. That is to say, it was not analogous to hurling myself off the side of a cliff but instead, allowing myself to free fall.
The former may be born out of desperation and hopelessness while the latter is sourced from a willingness to let go and let God. I also discovered that it requires strength and courage to face your own pain and fears and not shrink back. I had to be strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable and not move to deny it.
For the most part my collapse has been in private. The solitude has not made the experience free of feelings of vulnerability. Just imagine standing completely nude in front of a full-length, 3-D mirror all alone.
Would you have the urge to avert your eyes from the image projected before you?
Would words of criticism come to mind and would that critique cause you to reach for your clothing?
Would you question the value in even engaging in such an activity?
Well, I answered all of those questions affirmatively when my collapse began. And I did it ANYWAY.
Never before have I experienced that kind of strength and courage that enabled me to collapse, to free fall and not know where the bottom was or if it would come at all.
I am still falling.
The bottom has not come yet.
In the midst of the descent I have discovered parts of me that I had long forgotten. For instance, I am now reacquainted with the gambler's spirit in me. That part of me that is willing to take an adventure without knowing where it will lead. That part of me that believes the possibility of winning far outweighs the probability of losing.
The falling apart really is helping me keep it together.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Invitation to the Journey
At the time this writing, I am in the valley.
Every person's journey leads them through terrain that includes mountains. As we know, between every two mountains is a valley. Today and for several days in the past seven weeks, I have had many valley experiences. My past travels prove to me that what Iyanla Vanzant says is true, "there is value in the valley."
Ever-present in the valley with me is the Divine. Rarely do I feel lonely, yet I am often alone. I am thankful that I enjoy my own company.
Often, I am vulnerable and afraid. More and more, I am learning just how much courage and strength it takes to allow myself to be vulnerable and afraid.
The Divine led me to pick up a book that I have had for years but have not read in quite some time. The book, The Invitation, is based on a poem by the same name. The following line from the poem is greatly assisting me in this moment in the valley,
In days to come, I will blog more about my valley experiences. For now, I invite you to read the poem, The Invitation. Let me know what you think about it; what did it stir in you; how did it make you feel; what is your visceral reaction to it?
The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
© Mountaindreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperSanFrancisco, 1999 All rights reserved
Every person's journey leads them through terrain that includes mountains. As we know, between every two mountains is a valley. Today and for several days in the past seven weeks, I have had many valley experiences. My past travels prove to me that what Iyanla Vanzant says is true, "there is value in the valley."
Ever-present in the valley with me is the Divine. Rarely do I feel lonely, yet I am often alone. I am thankful that I enjoy my own company.
Often, I am vulnerable and afraid. More and more, I am learning just how much courage and strength it takes to allow myself to be vulnerable and afraid.
The Divine led me to pick up a book that I have had for years but have not read in quite some time. The book, The Invitation, is based on a poem by the same name. The following line from the poem is greatly assisting me in this moment in the valley,
"I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it."
In days to come, I will blog more about my valley experiences. For now, I invite you to read the poem, The Invitation. Let me know what you think about it; what did it stir in you; how did it make you feel; what is your visceral reaction to it?
The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
© Mountaindreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperSanFrancisco, 1999 All rights reserved
Friday, July 3, 2009
Punctionality on the Journey
Actually, TAHIRA, everyone is reasonable.
They just have their own reasons.
And usually it's worth trying to learn what they are to maximize chances of a full-blown, 60's style, psychedelic lovefest. Which is always a good thing.
Groovy you,
The Universe
The above message is from Notes from the Universe. "Everyone is reasonable they just have their own reasons." Hmmmmm.
When I read this message, the first thing I thought was how unreasonable I think it is to be chronically late. As a person who prides herself on being on time, I find people who are habitually late very annoying.
Do they have their own reasons for being late? Absolutely!
Is it worth trying to learn what those reasons are to maximize chances of a fully blown, 60's style, psychedelic lovefest? My ego says, "Hell no!"
My spirit is having a hard time getting into the conversation.
Functionality is about integrity for me. Of course, each of us may fall short on occasion, but when you have a reputation for rarely being on time that begs me to ask, "Whatsup with that?"
Are you seeking attention? Does it stem from some deep-root desire to self-sabotage?
For me, to honor your word is to be honored in this world. Now I will admit that I can be a bit obsessive about being on time. I also know that any obsession is unhealthy.
My punctuality obsession stems from my childhood. (Most obsession start there ;-) My mother demanded it. My father dismissed it.
The result: I brooded and pouted when my mother insisted on me being on time. I brooded and pouted when my father was rarely on time.
Am I missing out on some groovy experience by not allowing others to continually make me wait?
I read somewhere once, that when you are waiting you should see it as an opportunity to practice patience. Unfortunately, patience is another character flaw of mine.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Divinely Ordered Steps on the Journey
Lately, I have been extremely productive in various facets of my life: personal, business and spiritual. My plate has been pretty full. However, I have been able to maintain my center and make significant strives completing my long to-do list because I have been diligent about journaling each morning and doing walking meditations. As a result, I feel more focused and grounded during the day.
Journaling every day is easy for me. It’s a habit I established in my life at an extremely young age. However, a consistent meditation practice has been elusive for me at times.
Recently, Renee Colbert Gadson (my dear friend) and I made a pact to resume an exercise regiment. We acknowledged that physical wellness is an important element to achieving the goals in other areas of our life. We also agreed that the exercise program is not simply to lose weight or become fit but to help us maintain our spiritual focus, as well.
I decided that my regiment would include walking for 30 minutes. My intent was to start off slow and honor my body’s current limitations. Right behind my home is a track, so I made use of it. To be certain there was a spiritual component, I said an affirmation with each lap.
Lap One and Two
There is a great demand for my work as an artist and I am paid extremely well.
Lap Three and Four
All of my relationships are loving, healthy and fulfilling.
Lap Five and Six
Life is easy.
Caring for my teenaged daughter. Easy.
Balancing business and creativity. Easy.
Spending time with my King. Easy.
Spending time with my family. Easy.
Giving back to my community. Easy.
After the walk, I start my day. I am not just physically energized. I am mentally focused, emotionally connected and spiritually aligned.
Throughout the day, I get this overwhelming sense that the Divine really is conspiring to do me good.
For example, the other day I had an appointment that I totally forgot about. When I realized it, it was hours later. When I checked my messages, I was anticipating hearing irate messages from the woman I was supposed to meet with. Instead, she left a message informing me that she had to cancel and apologized for any inconvenience caused me.
Coincidence? I think not.
Life can be seen as a series of unrelated events that occur by happenstance. Life can also been seen as a conscious design stemming from, not simply positive thought, but from the awareness, understanding and knowledge that there is a Divine Presence operating in the Universe that is individualized as you.
I choose the latter as my truth. Besides, even if I am wrong, I would bet cash money that I am having waaaaay more fun than the folks in the other camp.
Journaling every day is easy for me. It’s a habit I established in my life at an extremely young age. However, a consistent meditation practice has been elusive for me at times.
Recently, Renee Colbert Gadson (my dear friend) and I made a pact to resume an exercise regiment. We acknowledged that physical wellness is an important element to achieving the goals in other areas of our life. We also agreed that the exercise program is not simply to lose weight or become fit but to help us maintain our spiritual focus, as well.
I decided that my regiment would include walking for 30 minutes. My intent was to start off slow and honor my body’s current limitations. Right behind my home is a track, so I made use of it. To be certain there was a spiritual component, I said an affirmation with each lap.
Lap One and Two
There is a great demand for my work as an artist and I am paid extremely well.
Lap Three and Four
All of my relationships are loving, healthy and fulfilling.
Lap Five and Six
Life is easy.
Caring for my teenaged daughter. Easy.
Balancing business and creativity. Easy.
Spending time with my King. Easy.
Spending time with my family. Easy.
Giving back to my community. Easy.
After the walk, I start my day. I am not just physically energized. I am mentally focused, emotionally connected and spiritually aligned.
Throughout the day, I get this overwhelming sense that the Divine really is conspiring to do me good.
For example, the other day I had an appointment that I totally forgot about. When I realized it, it was hours later. When I checked my messages, I was anticipating hearing irate messages from the woman I was supposed to meet with. Instead, she left a message informing me that she had to cancel and apologized for any inconvenience caused me.
Coincidence? I think not.
Life can be seen as a series of unrelated events that occur by happenstance. Life can also been seen as a conscious design stemming from, not simply positive thought, but from the awareness, understanding and knowledge that there is a Divine Presence operating in the Universe that is individualized as you.
I choose the latter as my truth. Besides, even if I am wrong, I would bet cash money that I am having waaaaay more fun than the folks in the other camp.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Life is Easy
TAHIRA, it's supposed to be easy. Everything is supposed to be easy. Everything is easy. You live in a dream world. You're surrounded by illusions. And the illusions change when you change your thinking!
Tell yourself it's easy. Tell yourself often. Make it a mantra. Eat, sleep, and breathe it. And your life shall be transformed.
It's supposed to be easy,
The Universe
The message above was emailed to me. I get personalized daily messages to remind me of life's magic and my divinity from Notes from the Universe. Each morning I look forward to reading the message of the day. The morning I got this message I had been feeling overwhelmed by the many demands in my life. I was able to shift my energy from frustration to inspiration by creating a post to my blog. Shortly thereafter however, I felt my vibration shifting back into low gear.
When I read this message I decide to make, "It's easy," my mantra for the day. Now, a week later I find myself still using this mantra.
When I look at the long to-do list I tell myself, "It's easy."
When I stare at a blank piece of paper hoping some words will spill forth from me and onto the page to share with others, I tell myself, "It's easy."
When I look at my daughter and see her blossoming into a young lady that soon will be on her own, I tell myself, "It's easy."
When I think about my amazing relationship with my King but begin to wonder how we will manage to find time for each other and our children, I tell myself "It's easy."
"It's easy."
"It's easy."
"It's easy."
If you need a daily lift, sign-up for Notes from the Universe. If you know of any other inspiring daily message service, have your own mantra/affirmation/prayer you have found helpful, post a comment and let me know. I could use all the help I can get ;-).
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Conspiracy Theory
Business. Creative work. Parenting. Personal life. There is so much I want and need to do in each of these areas. At times the weight of it all feels crippling.
Then I remember an undeniable truth: the Universe is always conspiring to do me good. For evidence of this truth, I do not have to look far. My recent healing is proof beyond a reasonable doubt.
Yet there are still times I look at my to-do list and I am overwhelmed. I begin to think about how I should have completed some of the tasks long before or how I should have more resources to get done what is on the list. I think to myself,
Then I remember something I heard Iyanla Vanzant say, "Never should on yourself."
Recently I had an epiphany about my work as a writer versus my work as a storyteller. Writing is so cerebral to me. Writing gets me inside my head. It's mind-work. If my mind is busy, unsettled, writing clears out the clutter.
Storytelling is different. Storytelling gets me inside my heart. Storytelling is Spirit-work. If my spirit needs lifting, storytelling gives me the elevation I need.
Writing and storytelling are essential to my wholeness. One no more important than the other. Yet it is essential that I have a good balance of both in order to prevent feeling overwhelmed by that infamous to-do list.
BOTH writing and storytelling are ever-present reminders that the Universe is conspiring on my behalf, every minute of every day.
Now I better get back to that long to do list!
Then I remember an undeniable truth: the Universe is always conspiring to do me good. For evidence of this truth, I do not have to look far. My recent healing is proof beyond a reasonable doubt.
Yet there are still times I look at my to-do list and I am overwhelmed. I begin to think about how I should have completed some of the tasks long before or how I should have more resources to get done what is on the list. I think to myself,
"I should do more, be more, have more."
Then I remember something I heard Iyanla Vanzant say, "Never should on yourself."
Recently I had an epiphany about my work as a writer versus my work as a storyteller. Writing is so cerebral to me. Writing gets me inside my head. It's mind-work. If my mind is busy, unsettled, writing clears out the clutter.
Storytelling is different. Storytelling gets me inside my heart. Storytelling is Spirit-work. If my spirit needs lifting, storytelling gives me the elevation I need.
Writing and storytelling are essential to my wholeness. One no more important than the other. Yet it is essential that I have a good balance of both in order to prevent feeling overwhelmed by that infamous to-do list.
BOTH writing and storytelling are ever-present reminders that the Universe is conspiring on my behalf, every minute of every day.
Now I better get back to that long to do list!
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